To be or not to be, friends with your ex-lover
Most relationships come to an end, unless you are getting married of course, and even then...
Is there such a thing as a mutual break-up?
Perhaps, but as far as I am concerned there is usually one person who initiates this particular discussion.
Thus revealing that there is typically (not always) a heart breaker and one with a broken heart who hurts for weeks, sometimes months, even years.
The person who does the breaking up feels less of a bad guy when they offer to stay friends.
They are getting the best of all areas, the feeling that they are absolutely awesome because they have "allowed" you to stay their friend, despite the fact that they have just tossed you to the curb as a lover, basically keeping the ex-lover as a side kick, the occasional distraction or void filler if I may. They get to move on, meet other people, date other people, sleep with other people, and you are still there, available for when they ring the bell.
I think a "friendship" with an ex-lover might be possible!.. to a certain degree.
why? well:
1. You cant be telling each other everything (IE: your new love and the 411 on that new chapter), that is in my opinion not only awkward but completely disrespectful.
2. Bitterness, carrying baggage of pasts issues you encountered together.
3. Jealousy, you WILL feel jealous, even a tiny bit, and that is OK but not necessary.
4. Chemistry, unless lack of attraction is the reason you ended.
If you really want a true, honest, fair and fulfilling friendship with your ex-lover, I suggest a nice clean break from each other.
From lovers to friends IS a t-r-a-n-s-i-t-i-o-n. So take time to heal and move on.
If you truly love this person and want to be their friend, you will allow this, no matter how long it takes.
Even the one who initiated the breakup needs this!
There a five simple steps to have:
1. NO CONTACT rule - this will help heal and calm both anger and romantic flames. If you have children together this is not an option, but keep the contact limited and the subjects to be strictly about the kids. (I will go into detail in a later post on being friends with your ex-husband).
2. Remain strictly friends - no kissing, no hand holding, no sex, no cuddling. All this should not feel like a forced restriction, if it does, than go back to rule number one.
3. Emotional Boundaries - Do not call each other for an emergency emotional need filler! Its best if you try and look at this friendship as more of a acquaintance like friendship for the time being.
4. GET OUTSIDE - if you are at step four, this means you have taken considerable amount of time to be on your own, heal, learn to be alone and love it, live life, reconnect with your friends, family, and all your surroundings. If so than high five to you! Now is the time to meet other people, date, don't rush, enjoy every single moment, make each minuscule moment last a while. and most of all KEEP IT TO YOURSELF! this step is not to be shared with your ex-lover, or the rest of the world for that matter, unless its getting serious.
5. Don't stress over your new status, and journal your thoughts as much as possible, limit what you share with your ex-lover as well as what you share with your other friends about the friendship between you and your ex-lover.
After MUCH time has passed, a cup of tea with the ones that you respect is considerably acceptable. Some people are truly worth keeping in your life.
Stay Fresh!
Is there such a thing as a mutual break-up?
Perhaps, but as far as I am concerned there is usually one person who initiates this particular discussion.
Thus revealing that there is typically (not always) a heart breaker and one with a broken heart who hurts for weeks, sometimes months, even years.
The person who does the breaking up feels less of a bad guy when they offer to stay friends.
They are getting the best of all areas, the feeling that they are absolutely awesome because they have "allowed" you to stay their friend, despite the fact that they have just tossed you to the curb as a lover, basically keeping the ex-lover as a side kick, the occasional distraction or void filler if I may. They get to move on, meet other people, date other people, sleep with other people, and you are still there, available for when they ring the bell.
I think a "friendship" with an ex-lover might be possible!.. to a certain degree.
why? well:
1. You cant be telling each other everything (IE: your new love and the 411 on that new chapter), that is in my opinion not only awkward but completely disrespectful.
2. Bitterness, carrying baggage of pasts issues you encountered together.
3. Jealousy, you WILL feel jealous, even a tiny bit, and that is OK but not necessary.
4. Chemistry, unless lack of attraction is the reason you ended.
If you really want a true, honest, fair and fulfilling friendship with your ex-lover, I suggest a nice clean break from each other.
From lovers to friends IS a t-r-a-n-s-i-t-i-o-n. So take time to heal and move on.
If you truly love this person and want to be their friend, you will allow this, no matter how long it takes.
Even the one who initiated the breakup needs this!
There a five simple steps to have:
1. NO CONTACT rule - this will help heal and calm both anger and romantic flames. If you have children together this is not an option, but keep the contact limited and the subjects to be strictly about the kids. (I will go into detail in a later post on being friends with your ex-husband).
2. Remain strictly friends - no kissing, no hand holding, no sex, no cuddling. All this should not feel like a forced restriction, if it does, than go back to rule number one.
3. Emotional Boundaries - Do not call each other for an emergency emotional need filler! Its best if you try and look at this friendship as more of a acquaintance like friendship for the time being.
4. GET OUTSIDE - if you are at step four, this means you have taken considerable amount of time to be on your own, heal, learn to be alone and love it, live life, reconnect with your friends, family, and all your surroundings. If so than high five to you! Now is the time to meet other people, date, don't rush, enjoy every single moment, make each minuscule moment last a while. and most of all KEEP IT TO YOURSELF! this step is not to be shared with your ex-lover, or the rest of the world for that matter, unless its getting serious.
5. Don't stress over your new status, and journal your thoughts as much as possible, limit what you share with your ex-lover as well as what you share with your other friends about the friendship between you and your ex-lover.
After MUCH time has passed, a cup of tea with the ones that you respect is considerably acceptable. Some people are truly worth keeping in your life.
Stay Fresh!
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